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FIRST OFF I WANNA SAY HAPPY 80TH BIRTHDAY GRANDPA !!!
^0^;; I'm sorry i had to do it heheh *runs away*
Well after that blah of a first post on my blog... I have something new to post hehe ^-^. I've finally finished celebrating all the new years I celebrate in a year so it was time for a change.
Earlier in the year I finally retired my old oval glasses [ I've had them for almost 10 years now] and got a new pair of glasses with a square lenses, purple titanium frames with anti glare and transition lense:
And today I [with the help of many of my dear friends] picked a style and color and for the first time in 16 years went to a salon and got my hair cut XD. Went to my sister's recommended salon and stylist Indulgence Salon Naydeen at 12:00 PM and at 2:00 PM the ending result:
I am very happy with the hair style and color choice as you can see by the pics XD those are genuine smiles too. I'll post up more stuff on my blog soon hehe but now its time to run off and write an update for nytouat before some turtle princess hunts me down ^-^ ta ta for now
hmm well i guess its as good as a time as ever to start writing huh? and what a way to start off my first blog. lately it has been one occurrence after another that has made me feel so weak and helpless. i can't seem to do anything right or help anyone... either i make it worse .. or i just make a fool of myself, but i guess that's what i am. But don't feel bad, i guess i do this to myself yes me the strong one .. the one that has to be able to take control of things and make everyone feel that things are going to be ok.
fuck that
only a few people really know whats going on in my life be it my health physically and mentally or just anything that is going on with my immediate family. those who do know ... im sorry for even letting you know.. why should i burden you with my problems.. i just want everyone i care for to be happy. and this point like what my header says.. if i just faded out of existence .. i wonder if that would make things better.
everyone in town.. all my friends.. all have said that i had a great family.. parents that loved and understood each other while understanding us.. wonderful siblings that are unique and wonderful in their own special way... a happy perfect family.. ITS ALL LIES.. no one sees the arguing .. the constant yelling .. comparing.. all the stuff that makes my heart bcome so cold and empty. i love my family.. i really do but there is that part of me that wishes it would all just end here.
today we get a call from my niichan in japan... instead of calling to check how things were here .. or to tell us of how life was in japan .. he starts off the conversation with my mother the same way my mom starts off every conversation with me: why is linda so fat and ugly doesnt she care about herself?!?!? she is such an embarassment...
followed by the usual accusations of whose fault it is that im the way i am .
WHAT IS SO FUCKIN WRONG WITH ME THAT YOU HAVE TO BE EMBARRASSED OF ME AND ASHAMED THAT YOU DONT EVEN WANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE ME AS YOUR DAUGHTER OR SISTER ?!?!
im sorry that im overweight
im sorry that i cant wear pretty dresses and shoes
im sorry that i dont wear make up and style my hair
im sorry that i am not attractive
im sorry that i am stronger than most guys
im sorry that i act like a boy at times
im sorry i cant be the daughter and sister that you wanted me to be
but what is so wrong with me right now .. i dont steal.. im not disrespectful.. i do everything that is asked of me with little to no complaint... why is it that i have to pretend .. do you know how much it hurts .. i do something to please mommy but get yelled at by daddy.. do something to please daddy but get yelled at by mommy....
i guess nothing i do is right.. its all my fault but whats new right? im always the blame for everything..
david cant get a job.. my fault
nephew being sensitive .. my fault
daniene rebelling against parents .. my fault
houn ignoring our family .. my fault
daddy having any affair .. my fault
this could go on forever.. but in the end it is always my fault..
no matter how much i do .. its never enough
im sorry that i cant please everyone... no matter what i do but what hurts the most is not being able to help the ones what worry about me. i am so sorry that i cant do anything to help you .. no matter how much i want to.. i never seem to be able to help you which breaks my heart. all i can do is watch from a distance and feel worthless. so worthless that most of the time i dont even think i deserve to be your friend.
physically im fine except for a few knicks and bruises.. and oh.. the fact that i cant seem to stomach anything there are you happy now a sure fire way for me to lose weight
mentally.. i dont remember the last time i was ok.. lets see .. what was that word .. oh yeah.. im borderline suicidal ? from the stress of everything.. ive thought of just ending my life.. everyday at least once.. maybe twice. but i never do because of different reasons the most important being i dont want to let those i care about down.. how hypocritical of me huh. ive been getting migraines everyday now for .. whats going on to be 9 months now.. each one worse than the other.. maybe its a sign that it might end soon
to my dear friends who have become family to me... im sorry you have such a failure as a friend..looking back at everything i am grateful to be friends with each of you .. but regret that i havent been able to do everything i can to keep smiles on your faces.. because those are the only times in my life that i feel i am doing something right. the one promise i can make to you is that ill always do my best to try to bring a smile to your faces even if some of you hate the fact i do this.... but this is the best i can do because.. after 22 years of being made fun of... told i dont deserve anything... being ignored, pushed aside.. used as an example of a what not to become... i dont think i deserve anything..
